The Eldrazi-Illuminati Conspiracy Theory

Do you realize that there is an eye on the top of the pyramid on the one dollar bill and the source of the Eldrazi’s power is the Eye of Ugin?


Eerie? Am I right?

Modern (A Dream Devoided)

Pro Tour Oath of the Gatewatch, AKA “Pro Tour Rise of the Eldrazi Episode 2: Attack of the Drones” will be remembered as the weekend when the Eldrazinati took total control of Modern.

Six Eldrazi decks in the Top 8 and two in the finals.

The fix is in. The jig is up. The Eldrazi have taken over and rule the format with an indomitable colorless fist.

“It’s as if millions of fans of colored mana everywhere suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced…”

The biggest, juiciest slice of the color pie is being figuratively devoured by awful new Eldrazi overlords while hard-working Selesnyans and Jeskai go wanting across the multiverse.

Tarmogoyf + Thoughtseize. Cool card!

Who will come to the rescue of decent, fun-loving mages who want to cast spells the outdated, old-fashioned way: cracking a fetch and going to 17?

Send Up the Twin Signal

If only there were some reasonable defense, some intuitive foil to these mono-Wastes decks…

“He’s the hero Dominara deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”


Unfortunately, just like the Batman, Splinter Twin is an outlaw, unjustly persecuted by an establishment that is entrusted to protect these planes from unjust broken Eldrazi decks.

Possible conspiracy connection: The position of the individual responsible for deciding which cards will be banned in Constructed formats is actually an Eldrazi, OR on the take from the Eldrazinati.

The aftermath of the B&R announcement axing Splinter Twin and the subsequent Eldrazi slaughter of everybody and everything resembling “Magic” in Atlanta is puzzling considering the rationale behind the ban was to foster diversity in Modern.

I seriously question the logic behind this move, since the format looked basically exactly the same as it did before (sans Twin) except that Eldrazi dominated. Wouldn’t the format have been more interesting with Splinter Twin in the mix as an obvious strategic foil to Eldrazi decks?

The Eldrazi get Ancient Tomb and Mishra’s Workshop in Modern and I can’t even suspend a lousy Ancestral Vision to suffer the indignity of having it processed or run into a Chalice of the Void the turn before it goes off!

I mean, if they get to do THAT, can’t I at least have Jace, BBE, Jitte, OR SFM?

In this Eldrazi dystopia the Modern banned list reads like the cover of X-Men: Days of Future Past #1 where all the heroes have “deceased” labels over their faces. I am excited to see if there will be a Wolverine or Kitty Pryde to pop up in the meta that can give these Eldrazi Sentinels a run for their money once things settle down.

Credit Where Credit Is Due

Let me stress one point before I go forward.

I respect a job well done. Sure, I didn’t like it when Palpatine overthrew the Old Republic and Jedi Order and established an evil Galactic Empire, but you can’t argue with results. The Sith clearly solved the metagame at the end of Episode III.

The teams that developed the Eldrazi decks that cut through Modern like a hot knife through WUBRG butter deserve serious props for their work. In particular, the CFB team that came up with Simian Spirit Guide + Chalice of the Void. I don’t typically find Eldrazi attractive but throw in a few monkeys and a goblet of wine and the deck starts to look real hawt.

The deck is an absolute thing of beauty. A perfect predator of nearly every non-Eldrazi Modern deck.

Almost too perfect… Hard to believe that nobody saw this coming…


I did.

A buddy from work and I bought 100 copies of Eldrazi Mimic before the PT.

I may not have been able to put the pieces together and build the deck myself, but I could see the writing on the wall. How lucky that my new Oath of the Gatewatch cards are now so desirable and have increased eightfold in value.

You don’t have any Eldrazi Mimics? Guess, you should buy some booster packs and try to crack some…

I’m not saying the Twin banning was an intentional ploy to open up space for the new Oath of the Gatewatch cards to shine by exploiting a metagame weakness, but it appears to have been a side effect.

In fact, even if it were intentional, I don’t necessarily think it’s wrong. After all, I respect a job well done and the outcome was pretty exciting. PT Oath of the Gatewatch will be a moment people remember and talk about for a long time and that is a good thing. Magic should be able to use its largest stage to promote and sell a new set.

Fun fact:

Blood Moon got a lot better in an Eldrazi metagame and we all know how much people love to play against Blood Moon! Oh, god… Please don’t let Modern become a Blood Moon vs. Chalice of the Void format.

Look at me, getting all nostalgic for the good old days when Batman would show up on my end step and make infinite copies of himself on turn 4 to keep things good and fair.

Here we are approaching the end of article. I’ve been juggling around a few different ideas and I’m sure you’re anxious to see how I tie them all up.

Firstly, I’m not whining. I’m entertaining you.

One thing I’ve learned is that everybody wants something different out of Magic and that’s why people frequently disagree about what is “good” or “bad” for the game.

Secondly, I’m not going to tie this up in a neat bow with a cherry on top. Instead, I’m going to cast Deflecting Palm and Fork it back at you.

Do you think Twin should have been banned? Should it now be unbanned?

If the Pro Tour must showcase new cards (at the cost of necessitating bannings and making the format a “quasi-rotating” format) do you Modern players want Modern PTs?

If Eldrazi holds up as a top deck until the next banning (a big IF) would you prefer the DCI: A) Change nothing, B) Ban something from it, or C) Unban something(s)?

What card (if any) do you think should be unbanned the next time around?

Do you think the Eldrazi deck will be a problem in Modern?

Maybe it isn’t such a conspiracy after all.

Maybe the fact of the matter is that managing a format is an infinitely complex task because so many people all want so many different things out of Magic.

All I ever want when it comes to B&R is for the formats to be as fun, interesting, and dynamic as possible. I like change and I like exploring new territory. Believe it or not, I’m excited to explore this new Eldrazi Modern (sent a text when I got home from Atlanta to borrow a playset of Eye of Ugin).

I’ve played thousands of games of Vintage in my day, so I have a pretty high pain threshold for ridiculous nonsense. If the format ends up sucking harder than a vacuum cleaner in a black hole I’ll be the first to let you know.

For now, “All hail the All-Seeing Eye of Ugin.”

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