1) The name “Eldritch Moon

I thought it was pronounced Eld-rick for over a week. I’m starting myself off strong here with a major gripe that’s totally not my fault.

2) People who aren’t current on Game of Thrones

SPOILER ALERT for Game of Thrones spoilers below. I am sick of you, this isn’t just a spoiler alert.

3) Liliana, the Last Hope

Fights a 13/13 in the story, gives -2/-1 in the game. Imagine the running back on the cover of Madden having a 62 rating.

4) Borrowed Grace

A donut so delicious it can repel Zombies.

5) Desperate Sentry

Unleashes a 3/2 white sheep when he dies would have been cooler (the first of probably many “Thanks Eldrazi” where a colorless dude stands in for something interesting).

6) Fiend Binder

“She’s into some weird stuff.”

-Manfried Ulmach, Chief Inquisitor

7) Ironclad Slayer

“Your Gods have forsaken you. This is your God now.”

8) Ironwright’s Cleansing

A strangely seductive art and flavor text combo. Pretty cool that the artist got Trent Reznor to model for the card.

9) Long Road Home

Fortune cookie flavor text alert.

10) Peace of Mind

Worth after every MTGO release: just enjoying some tea, everything is fine.

11) Selfless Spirit

The ghost of Rickon Stark, or is this big enough to be the ghost of Wun Wun? Wait, is Wun Wun’s name a power/toughness joke?? I really hope it is.

12) Thalia, Heretic Cathar

Compare, Liliana, Heretical Healer. So… does being a heretic put a noun or an adjective in your title (English majors, please post comments no one else will read below explaining)?

Art taken from the set of Thalia’s Pantene commercial.

13) Thalia’s Lancers

Is that Magic’s first afro? Hair care received a huge emphasis in this set’s art direction (see also, Gisela of the pink tentacle dreads).

14) Spontaneous Mutation

This reduces power? You’re in a bar fight. Your friend casts a spell to turn the other person’s hands into giant tentacles. Are you still friends the next day?

15) Drag Under and Take Inventory

It’s always a bit strange when nostalgia cards are mixed with a nerfing. It’s like a non-alcoholic beer to a recovering alcoholic. It’s a better idea than getting hammered, but do you really enjoy the reminder of how things were?

I think I’d rather just forget that there used to be trading card games with powerful things you could do on your opponent’s turn that didn’t involve putting a creature onto the battlefield.

16) Abandon Reason

Abandoning reason makes you faster and stronger with no drawbacks. These two must be politicians.

17) Alchemist’s Greeting

You’ve been naughty this year. And Santa’s using your lump of coal to fuel a prosthetic flamethrower.

War on Christmas: Santa’s Last Stand, coming to theaters on December 25th.

18) Assembled Alphas

Shares a name with the 2016 national conference of the United Pickup Artists Guild.

Also, the pack is all Alphas? That’s not how this works. That’s not how any of this works.

19) Harmless Offering

SO CLOSE. All they had to do was not slap on overkill flavor text, which comes close to “explaining the joke” territory, and they would have pulled it off. If the art and name tell the whole story, get out of your own way.

20) Thermo-Alchemist

“Madness can’t touch a mind ignited by genius.” You sure? Look at this guy. Perfectly sane?

21) Splendid Reclamation

“TOUCHDOWN!”

-Nissa Rivane

22) Tamiyo, Field Researcher

A new bar has been set for boring titles. She appears, everyone is psyched that a ‘walker has joined their side of the battle. She starts taking a soil sample.

23) Extricator of Flesh and Spirit of the Hunt

Spirit of the Hunt is templated to make sure noncreature permanents don’t get +0/+3, but then Extricator of Flesh gives permanents vigilance whether they’re creatures or not. They should have found a way to give the Wolf the less wordy templating.

Also, why aren’t these white creatures with devoid once they transform for my devoid theme deck? Just kidding, the only devoid theme deck in the world is a draft deck from the Horrible Mechanics Cube.

24) Field Creeper

Every high school had a Field Creeper. That women’s soccer or track coach that seemed to enjoy the work a little too much.

25) Soul Separator

The 2016 Ice Cauldron Award winner for “if you couldn’t say it without a wall of rules text, don’t say it at all.” At least it is easy to track on the battlefield.

26) Grizzled Angler

My lovely editor prefers that I not call any older, sketchy pros “grizzled anglers,” so you can insert your own joke here.