It’s your average Thursday night. You’re sitting courtside at the NBA Finals watching the Heat go up against the Spurs.
You’re counting out 15 hundreds to tip the concession girl.
And you discover a one-dollar bill.
A one-dollar bill.
A ONE-DOLLAR BILL.
Imagine how that would make you feel.
Confusion. Perplexity. And-
It’s your average Friday Night. You’re sitting at table 1 in the last round of FNM.
You play first, as always. Your “opponent” mulligans to 3, as they should.
You lead with a Forest and Arbor Elf.
They draw up to four, sigh, and pass the turn.
You play another Forest, cast Utopia Sprawl, cast a second Utopia Sprawl and a second Arbor Elf.
They draw up to five, put their hands over their head, and pass the turn.
You pick up the Genesis Wave. You Early Harvest. You Genesis Wave again—This time for 20.
You Genesis Wave again. Your entire deck is in play.
You ask the “opponent” if they can move their hands, you can’t see their board.
They look down at their empty battlefield.
You ask how many cards they have in hand.
They hold 3 cards in one hand, 2 cards in the other, with wide eyes.
You dig around the board for your Spawnsire of Ulamog. There it is. You only have hundreds in your pool. Twenty mana is chump change.
You activate Spawnsire.
One of your bodyguards clears the match to your right while another of your bodyguards pulls out your combination-protected, 250-pound, Tungston-reinforced sideboard box, and places it on the table.
You open it.
You pull out your 15 Eldrazi to place on the battlefield.
Foil Promo Japanese Emrakul.
Foil Promo Russian Emrakul.
Foil Promo Korean Emrakul.
Foil Promo Chinese Emrakul.
Signed by the last 4 NBA Finals MVPs.
You pull out your 4 foil, pop-out layered, 3-dimensional Ulamogs, that when arranged together create a 5-inch Ulamog replica model. You carefully place it in the middle of the battlefield.
You pull out your Klug-Altered Eldrazi Conscriptions, altered as your favorite swords from The Lord of the Rings. (The actual swords are in another Tungston-reinforced combination box in the Escalade out back, where more of your body guards are waiting).
You pull out two fresh It that Betrays, and a fingerprint pad, and direct your opponent to their left thumbprint on one and their left index print on the other. This is how you’ve made your fortune.
You place your last card.
AN AMOEBOID. CHANGELING.
Imagine how that would make you feel.
Confusion. Perplexity. And-
Green Money Hunneds Budget
This deck is a budget deck. What I mean by that is if you have $50 and want to put it together, the deck costs $50. If you have $10,000, it costs $10,000. It fits your budget.
In terms of competitiveness, the deck is ok. It’s not the fastest. It’s not the most consistent. It’s not the most resilient. But sometimes it works, and when it works, it’s hilarious. That is enough for me. I've been having the time of my life playing this deck.
I wouldn't recommend using this deck to try to win a Grand Prix, but I would recommend spending an absurd amount of time and money making a hilarious sideboard. Priorities, bro.
Green Money Card Choices
This is the mana engine. Forests work with Vernal Bloom, basics work with Early Harvest. Makes for a beautiful white-bordered mana base. I think so, at least.
There are alternatives, like Heartbeat of Spring, Keeper of Progenitus, and Extraplanar Lens. Each of these has its drawbacks. Early Harvest is the strongest competitor, but I would only recommend it in an extremely heavy-Forest metagame.
Arbor Elf works fantastically with Utopia Sprawl and Fertile Ground. Arbor Elf into Utopia Sprawl allows us to play a four-drop on our 2nd turn. This is our nut draw, and is the main way we can get an elusive turn 3 kill.
This Snake is another way for us to get the mana to combo off. It is nice at buying a little bit of time and providing an extra Forest, which works great with Vernal Bloom and Early Harvest.
This is our main mana dump. A big Genesis Wave will uncover more mana, Eldrazi, and ideally Eternal Witnesses to go again.
These cards are the glue cards of our deck. Harmonize is an awesome early game smoother to net us more mana and draw us to our mana dump cards.
Eternal Witness gives us the power to keep going off of a Genesis Wave, as Eternal Witnesses can grab back Early Harvests and Genesis Waves to go absolutely crazy.
They also provide some much needed resilience against disruption.
Garruk Wildspeaker is something like a 5th Early Harvest. An early game Garruk, which works wonders with our enchant lands, functions the same or better than Early Harvest. It also comes into play off of Genesis Wave, which allows us to get a bunch of mana to keep going if we are tight on mana.
These big guys are like extra Genesis Waves. Not drawing Genesis Wave is the main way to lose, so these guys are extra mana dumps. A turn 4 Eldrazi is often enough to win the game from there.
A split is preferable, as it allows us more control over not shuffling our graveyard into our deck, which is sometimes essential while holding an Eternal Witness.
Here he is! The granddaddy himself! Daddy fatstacks!
I actually think this is the best competitive kill in this deck, and I am incredibly pleased by this. With a single card, we can dodge counterspells, discard, infinite removal, infinite permanents, infinite life, infinite cards in deck. How can you ask more out of a single kill card?
Green Money Sideboard
I have been rocking this deck for a week now, but it is admittedly only semi-competitive. With that, I think it’s completely legit to have a 15-Eldrazi sideboard. If we aren’t trying to take down a big tournament, fun is obviously a serious consideration, and 15 Eldrazi is hilarious.
Few things are more funny than revealing not only that you don’t have a sideboard, but you don’t care either, as you overkill your poor opponent.
If you want to build a competitive sideboard, however, I will help. The first thing to think about is what we need to play with Spawnsire of Ulamog to win. Realistically, an Emrakul gets there most of the time, but it would be horrible to lose in certain corner-case situations.
A second Emrakul offers potential infinite turns. A second Ulamog offers potential infinite permanent destruction. And a second Kozilek offers infinite everything, as we now have an easy loop to churn through our deck digging up Eldrazi. With that, I recommend 2 Emrakul, 1 Ulamog, and 1 Kozilek in the board.
When building a sideboard from here, we need to remember this: any card we change makes our deck slower, less consistent, and/or less resilient. That’s the way it is. Our main is built to do one thing, and by changing ANYTHING, we make that one thing worse. So if we are going to sideboard it must be for the most potent cards.
It would maybe make sense to sideboard defensively against hosers, but nothing really targets us too much. Sure, cards like Lightning Bolt, Inquisition of Kozilek, Remand, Tormod’s Crypt, and Slaughter Games are all relevant, but the best strategy against cards like these is to just do our thing as best we can.
With that, our sideboard should consistent only of the most potent hosers. Rarely to be brought in, but to be brought in to good effect.
This card nerfs Robots pretty hard. It’s worth packing.
We can land this card on turn 2 often. It is backbreaking against decks like Elves, Living End, and Storm.
This card is okay. It’s nice to have something to hate on graveyard decks, but Relic of Progenitus hurts our Eternal Witness, and Grafdigger’s Cage hurts our Genesis Wave. We also already have Trinisphere for Living End, so it’s possible we don’t even want this.
This card is narrow, but it could be a nice surprise against RG-based Valakut decks, and other random targeted decks out there. I imagine it rarely being sideboarded in, but it's an occasional silver bullet.
Green Money Tips and Tricks
The deck is different and hard to play. There are lots of bizarre situations that will come up. I have been through a lot of them.
Sometimes it’s right to leave up one Forest after a big Genesis Wave. This is because our enchant lands can only enchant lands that were already in play. Sometimes we need the mana boost to keep going.
Knowing when to play Genesis Wave and for how much is crucial to winning. It helps to imagine what we need to hit to win this turn. It also helps to imagine what happens if we miss on an Eternal Witness.
For example, a Genesis Wave for 7 where we need to hit 2 Eternal Witness for a chance at victory, and 1 Eternal Witness to avoid being out of gas is very risky, and only worth doing against almost certain chance of death.
There will be times when we have to shuffle our graveyard in with an Eldrazi and want to grab a card with Eternal Witness. This is okay. If we stack the Eldrazi trigger first, our Eternal Witness will let us grab a card before it gets shuffled in.
Also of note is the fact that Genesis Wave puts our Eldrazi into play rather than casting them. This creates rare corner-case situations where we elect to shuffle our Eldrazi in rather than put it into play, in order to draw into it and use it’s effect.
We need to protect this card or it becomes hard to win. Pay attention to Path to Exile mana. If our opponent has it and we Genesis Wave into Spawnsire without an immediate 20 mana, it might be correct to put to the graveyard for the time being. If it gets removed, we are down to our 2 maindeck Eldrazi, which may or may not be enough.
Green Money for Any Budget
The deck is really something special. A lot of decks tickle my fancy, but it’s rare that one makes me laugh as much as this one has. I have enjoyed it immensely, and I wish the same to you.
Questions! Comments! Think there’s something I forgot?
P.S.: Shout-out to Collin Mustain for the deck idea, shout-out to thestephie for the Photoshop, and shout-out to the stream for helping with the deck!